Four years later.

“Do come on.” Coaxing the needle through carefully, Seraphina tugged at the thread, praying it would not snap as she continued with her darning. Having had no new gowns in the last four years, she had become well used to mending any holes or the like in her gowns and undergarments. Letting out a sigh of relief as the thread came unstuck, she guided it through and then pushed the needle into the other side of the fabric.

How I miss you, mama.

Tears, unbidden and yet welcome, formed in her eyes and Seraphina let them fall, finding no need to keep them back. These last few years had brought her more pain and suffering than she had ever imagined and now, returning to London and to the townhouse which she had once known to be filled with so much happiness and warmth, the memories returned to her all the more frequently. They were in sharp contrast to what she felt at present. The fabric she held in her hands grew damp with her tears and sniffing, Seraphina blinked them away and rose from her chair, aware of just how much pain she held within her heart still. Setting the dress down, she walked to the window and looked out at the quiet London street, taking in the white snow on the roof and the brown slush on the pavements beneath. That was what she felt her life had become. One moment, she had been pristine, in a life of perfect happiness and contentment and now, she was lost in dirt and dust, no longer able to return to that state of happiness she had been in before.

And all because my Uncle is a grasping, cruel man and my Aunt just the same.

Lowering her head, Seraphina squeezed her eyes closed to shut out the scene, wishing she could have even the smallest modicum of happiness. When her Uncle had announced they were to come to London, she had felt a thrill of hope, believing now that her Uncle would finally permit her to seek a husband. Perhaps seeing that thrill, her Uncle had laughed and shaken his head, telling her that her presence in London would be solely to prove to the ton that she was alive and well and, thereafter, they would return to the estate and life would continue on as usual. It had only been then that she had learned of the whispers which ran through society; whispers that she had been lost in her sadness and grief and had slowly faded away to the grave. Evidently, her Aunt and Uncle wished to prove that these whispers were entirely untrue and thus, that was the only reason she had been brought to London. The faint whispers of Christmas and all the happiness it brought were like chinks of light in her otherwise dark existence, though they barely permeated. All she had were her memories, memories of her mother playing the pianoforte, the sound ringing through the house as her father’s baritone voice sang words of happiness and joy. She could barely remember such things now. The weight upon her heart and mind was much too great.  

“And here I thought you were darning your gown rather than standing by the window daydreaming.”

Seraphina did not move from where she stood, her shoulders slumped. “I am taking a few moments respite, Aunt.”

“As though it is only a few moments!” The harsh retort sent fire burning through Seraphina’s heart but she did not let herself respond to it. “You told me you would be darning your gowns this afternoon and thus, I have left you to do so only to see that now, you are doing just as you please and being entirely idle!”

“As I have said,” Seraphina replied, with a little more firmness to her tone than she knew her Aunt would be pleased with, “I was doing nothing other than taking a few moments respite. If you look at the gown, you can see that I have been darning for some time.”

“For some time?” her Aunt repeated, her tone mocking. “I hardly think… ”

Seraphina turned around just as her Aunt picked up the gown, her sharp, dark eyes narrowing as she took in all the recent work. It was more than obvious all that she had done thus far for the gown had more than one tear to be mended. Lady Elmsford clearly could not deny all that Seraphina had done and the faint hint of triumph in Seraphina’s heart had her pulse quickening.

“Quite how you manage to make so many tears in your gowns, I shall never understand.” Lady Elmsford stood straight again, discarding the gown with little consideration, treating it in the same way as she had treated Seraphina these last few years. “It is irresponsible of you to do so.”

Seraphina lifted her chin. “I have had the same gowns for four years, Aunt. That is why there are tears and holes. Though I am sure that I will have hidden these holes so this gown is presentable, though badly out of style.”

Lady Elmsford’s lip curled and her thin features grew all the sharper. “You are ungrateful, Seraphina, that is all you are. How can you make such demands when you know we are restricted with the coin available to us?”

Seraphina said nothing for should she give away even a hint of her true feelings on this particular subject, she would earn nothing more than another scolding. Lady Elmsford often lamented the lack of coin available to her but that did not prevent her from purchasing the latest piece of fine jewelry or demanding that her husband purchase a new pair of greys to pull their carriage. It was yet another excuse, another pretense of which the sole intention was to keep Seraphina without the smallest comfort. It had always been that way, ever since they had arrived at the estate – their estate, as she had so often been reminded – and she had come to expect nothing less.

“We are to go into society to show to the ton that you are well, hale and hearty and that we are all that they expect us to be,” Lady Elmsford continued, her tone hard and her gaze unrelenting. “You are not to offer a single word of complaint to anyone, do you understand me? There have been… remarks made that we have brought you to the very cusp of death given our lack of care and such lies must not be allowed to continue, do you understand?”

Seeing a faint hint of weakness, Seraphina nodded but looked away. “I shall not say a word of complaint, Aunt, though I am certain the ton will ascertain our financial situation,” she answered, carefully. “Once society sees the state of my gowns – and my hair will have to be very plain indeed since we cannot afford a lady’s maid – they will know that we are a family who lacks a good deal, though I am certain it will be entirely understood. It is the way of things sometimes, particularly once there has been a death.”

Silence spread between herself and her Aunt and a whirlwind began to blow about in Seraphina’s stomach. Yes, she required new gowns but she could very easily make do with what she had brought with her. They were well made and though she had worn them on a few occasions over the years, she had done her best to make sure they were as clean and as well cared for as they could be. They certainly were not in fashion, however, and if her Aunt was truly that concerned about all the ton would think, then Seraphina saw how she might use the situation to her advantage.

“I shall speak with your Uncle about such things.” Lady Elmsford shrugged and turned on her heel. “Though I do not think that if this is the sort of work you consider suitable, then I fear that any new gowns would not be worth the investment!”

Feeling the sting of her aunt’s words across her cheek, seeing the way she flung out one hand towards Seraphina’s gown and the sewing she had spent so long doing, words burst from Seraphina’s lips before she could even think to pull them back.

“I have done my very  best on gowns which are so old, they are inclined to rip and tear should I so much as look at them! It is not at all fair that you should place the blame upon me when you yourself refuse to purchase any new gowns for me. I find it very odd indeed that you are able to purchase all manner of things for yourself and for my Uncle whilst I am resigned to patching old gowns in the hope that they might last a little longer.”

“And I would consider you an ungrateful wretch who should not even be thinking of speaking to their Aunt in such a manner!”

Seraphina’s breath caught and she swallowed hard, her hands curling into fists as she looked back into the face of her Uncle who had, unfortunately, chosen that very moment to come striding into the room. “It was not my intention to be disrespectful, Uncle.” It was difficult to keep her chin lifted and her head high but she did it, nonetheless, looking back into her uncle’s face. His eyes were slate, his frame both tall and broad, making him a rather imposing figure. The anger which flashed lightening into his eyes and red into his cheeks had her ready to apologise, ready to speak and say that she had not meant to say anything of the sort but, with a great strength of mind, Seraphina kept her mouth closed and did not allow any of the words in her mind to come to her lips. The only reason she would want to apologise, the only reason she would want his forgiveness was because of the fear he drove into her heart and that was no reason at all.

“She is complaining about her gowns, husband.” Lady Elmsford clicked her tongue and shook her head. “She states they are much too old and frayed to be any good, though I personally believe that she is simply a poor seamstress. Her mother ought to have taught her better.”

Wrath had Seraphina starting forward, her anger beginning to strike through her like flaming arrows. “My mother taught me a great many things, including how to sew. I should very much like to see how you fare sewing gowns that are so old!”

The quiet which struck her thereafter had her anger fading away to ash, dying just as quickly as it had ignited.

“I think, mayhap, you ought to be taught a lesson due to your ingratitude.” Lord Elmsford spoke slowly, his eyebrows falling low over his eyes as Seraphina caught her breath, suddenly afraid the dark shadows which bloomed in his features. “There is much for you to be thankful for, much that you should be offering to myself and your Aunt by way of thanks and instead, you choose to behave in this way? I think mayhap there will be consequences for such behaviour, Seraphina. After all, you are our charge, under our guidance and therefore, it may very well be in your best interest to learn the meaning of gratitude.”

A shiver threw itself down Seraphina’s spine and she lowered her gaze, fixing it to the floor rather than permitting herself any sort of response. There was both fear and regret twining through her now, anxious over what her Uncle might mean and remorse that she had permitted herself to speak so.

“An excellent idea, husband.” Lady Elmsford turned so quickly, her gown flapped around her ankles as she walked to the door. “And might I suggest that we begin with only a meagre portion for dinner this evening?”

Seraphina did not so much as flinch. Lord Elmsford agreed firmly, then stated that Seraphina was to finish her darning and then retire, for they had no desire for her company and then, much to Seraphina’s relief, took his leave from the room. Letting out a slow breath, Seraphina closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall, aware of the great swell of emotions within her heart. Though she wished she had kept a better hold of her tongue, at the same time, she was glad she had defended her mother’s memory. Lady Elmsford was nothing in comparison to the mother Seraphina had held dear and continued to clasp to her heart – and Seraphina was more than willing to make that painfully evident no matter what it should cost her.

Though what does my Uncle intend for me?

The question had no answer and Seraphina shuddered again before making her way across the room and back to where her gown lay. The fire in the grate was already beginning to go out and Seraphina eyed it ruefully, knowing that it would not be long before the heat in the room began to dissipate.

A small smile crossed her lips as she sat down again to complete her darning. Try as they might, her Aunt and Uncle could not take everything from her. The staff would obey their demands and give Seraphina as little a measure of food as was requested but what Lord and Lady Elmsford did not know was that she herself would creep down to the kitchens later that evening and be rewarded with not only the warmth from the kitchen fire but also warm milk and whatever else the cook had saved for her. She had some friends here, even if they were the servants of the house.

I shall be strong, she reminded herself, recalling the way Mrs. Brownlee had comforted her the day she had learned of her parents passing. And I shall endure.